CMO 118: Broken Compass

 

"Everything Will Be Okay!"

This is more of rhetorical question. I am not really seeking an answer. Why is it when someone is hurting, depressed, angry, or just plain broken, we say to that person, “It will be okay. Everything will turn out okay in the end. You just gotta have faith.”

 Don’t get me wrong, I understand the person expressing the words care, otherwise they wouldn’t waste their time attempting to console the individual in question.

First, just because one is as I described above, especially a person of faith who has suddenly lost their faith because of how they are feeling. Faith is still within them. Sure, they may buckle under the weight of the event, experience, or tragedy. They might even be angry with God, I know I was yesterday, but in the end, most of us who are people of faith will return or hang onto that faith.

 I responded the same way when it came to my son.

 There were days when the episodes he experienced due to ASD, Intellectual Disability, and Schizophrenia were off the chart. I would do my best to console my son before son, “Everything will be okay.” His response, “No, it won’t (be okay). How do you know (it will be okay?”).

 Great question.

 How do I know what I don’t know?

 I meant it. I was attempting to console my son through his episode because I could see how much the mental illness or voices were tormenting him.

 But I was wrong to say that to him because I did not know if he was going to be okay.

 That is where I was yesterday.

 My son opted for an assisted living facility after walking this schizophrenic journey with him for over two years; four if you count 2021 and 2022 when this daggum illness of the mind first manifested itself.

 I was so heartbroken and angry, I felt that I could not be consoled…and yet, there came the comments, “Don’t worry, everything will be, okay?”

 Only one individual the following day had the courage to ask, “Are you okay?”

 Not “everything will be okay,” but “…are you okay?”

 What a difference those words meant for me.

 I responded back, “Wow! Thank you for asking me. No, I am not okay. I am heartbroken and angry…. but I will be okay.”

 I am grateful to all who reached out and shared their love, prayers, and friendship. I truly am. But I am also grateful that someone asked if I was okay—because I am not (at the moment) but I will be.

Broken Compass!

I received a text message from my son Tuesday evening. The message: "I know you are sad dad, but I am happy and having fun here (LOL). Be happy, I am fine."

Of course, I am happy for my son because he is happy. It's just that I feel lost at the moment. 

No medication to dispense or administer. No blankets to fluff or tuck in. No feet to cover or lower pant legs to adjust. No Godzilla X Kong: The New Empire playing on the television in the background. No scrambling eggs or preparing Ramen Noodles. No getting clothes ready or washing load after load because something gets a smidge of spot and it immediately goes into the hamper. No, "Dad! Dad! Daaaaaaad!" in the distance.

My son is the one who left but I am the one who feels homesick.

Whoa! Who does that!? I guess...me!

I feel as if my compass has broken. I wonder if this is "empty nest syndrome" for caregivers or "caregivers remorse?" 

I have a mixed bag of emotions, thoughts, or feelings happening that I am not yet certain how to process. On the one hand, I am joyful for my son and pray he does well. On the other hand, I feel guilty for moving my computer into his bedroom and working from there just so I can be alone from the others in the house.

I know I need to continue caregiving for the other three but I just do not feel it in the way that I felt it for my son--he was different; special and unique. A gentle soul of a child who up to his departure, was cranky and not so kind to his brother.

But to see him in the photo I received yesterday, he appears as I remember him as a child--happy. And those were his words, "I am happy, dad."

It is going to take me a bit to get readjusted and move forward, for that is what we all must do. In the meantime, I will continue to pray, work on the upcoming awards, and not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow has not yet come.

As the Lord said, "Today has enough problems of its own."

Thank you, Father, for the time spent caring for my son. It is a journey I would gladly make again despite all the hardship if it meant pleasing you through service to my son. 

Until next time ...