CMO 48: Okay, I am guilty!

 Dear Journal:

There is much that I am pondering in my heart this morning. However, let me begin by giving glory and thanks to the Father for the blessing of this day. Amen.

In my heart I am praying for all those around the world who are hurting, confused, lost, misguided, ill, angry, distraught, lukewarm, unemployed, homeless, hungry, alone, sheltered, in a bad situation, angry with their parents, not loved by their parents, rejected, caught in an endless cycle of sin, engaging in inappropriate sexual behavior, etc.

No judgment. Just prayer.

I am praying for the souls our Lady mentioned to the children at Fatima--those souls that have no one praying for them. May the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords deign to hear their prayers, see their suffering, and bless their greatest needs.

It is so easy to want to give up following a recent conversation. However, that is exactly what the devil wants me to do--give up. Be angry with God, stop praying, look the other way.

I will not.

Instead, I will continue to pray the mercy and blood of Jesus over them. I will continue to cry out to my God pleading for them with the hope that one day their hearts, minds, eyes, and ears will be opened to the truth of the Gospels. The Word made flesh. The Messiah and Savior.

What others fail to understand is that I truly do love them, but they are not my focus. God is. It is He that I love above all others.

Some people including my own may judge me harshly for that statement. That's okay. I love them too. However, it's the truth. The same truth that should be true for all of us. God first. Others second. Self-third. It's that simple.

To listen to others, one would think that I was a really terrible son, friend, husband, and father. A mean, tyranical, selfish, stubborn, my way or the highway, bully, mean to animals, the reason for their problems, type of person.

I wonder if this is true? That is the most frightening reality of all. What if what I have or am accused of is true?

I do not deny that I am guilty of many sins. That I have done my fair share of hurting others, including offending God.

I do not deny that I sometimes walked on the wrong side of the tracks, allied myself with less than admirable people or made incorrect choices.

I do not deny that I sometimes trusted the fool and the sinner rather than the wise person because I was thinking more of myself rather than God and neighbor.

I do not deny that I was angry growing up. Wrong or right, there was a reason I was angry. There were things happening to me that never should have happened. I realize, however, that should never be an excuse for inappropriate behavior toward others.

What I wanted for my life and the way my life turned out are two different things, but am I not going to spend the remainder of my life blaming others for the way my life turned out?

That won't change a thing. What's done is done.

All I can do and have done is ask those whom I have hurt, sinned against, or offended, including God for forgiveness. I am truly sorry, which I am, for all the wrong I am accused of. Now I would like to move on with whatever life I have remaining.

I choose to walk with God rather than with the fool who believes that I need their love over His love. 

I know who I am today. "Merciful Jesus. Son of the Living God. Have mercy upon me a sinner!"






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